There had to be a first…

…failed relationship after my failed marriage. Yup I got ‘dumped’ on Halloween. Honestly it was the ‘right’ thing for him to do (I do deserve better and no he wasn’t being fair to me) but it doesn’t make it hurt any less. So I’ve been in a funk for over a week now about this. Even though I know it was for the best, I’m still struggling to get over the hurt. Is it just because he was the first person I opened up to and let my guard down to and introduced my son to? Or is it because, as much as I hate to admit it, I don’t like to be lonely? 

I reminded me of a post I read, It sucks to be alone…REALLY?, from a blog I follow (The Culture Monk). A couple of the questions he asked were, Will we find contentment even in the face of loneliness? Or will we let the disappointments in life swallow us up? Will we allow the feeling of being alone drive us toward bad decisions?

Hmmmmm. Finding contentment in the face of loneliness….now that’s something I need to work on. Well there’s a lot I need to work on but at this moment, this is it, along with confidence. When did I become so vulnerable and allow someone to bring down my confidence? I would like to think of myself as a strong person, given my recent struggles, and the fact that everyone tells me what a strong person I am, yet I feel so weak. Like I took another hit. Not nearly as bad as the last but still a hit nonetheless. 

So I’ve spent the last week being bitter, finding inspirational quotes online, crying and laughing with friends, etc and of course reading online. And I come across this great article The 10 Things You Need To Give Up In Order To Move Forward

  1. Other people’s opinions
  2. Explanations
  3. Expectations
  4. Mistake you  made in the past
  5. Dwelling on heartbreak
  6. Grudges
  7. Failing to appreciate what you have
  8. Excuses
  9. Insecurity
  10. Dealing with drama

 

So many of these I need to work on! I’m pretty good at not caring about other people’s opinions, unless its someone close to me, then it’s usually something I need to hear. Explanations and expectations are both a work in progress. Over and over through the divorce process I was told by a family member, “Courtney, you can’t change people, places, or things, only yourself!” I’m never going to get all the answers I want, so I just need to let it go as hard as it is. I pride myself on how giving I am. People say I’m too kind at times but it’s just me, it’s who I am and that I’m not going to change for someone else who can’t understand it. I just hope someday someone will shock and surprise me when the gestures are returned.

I learned a great deal from my failed marriage, what were my wrong doings, what I had to own up to, what I need to work on and not take into my future relationships. With my recent relationship, I made an conscientious effort not to bring my problems from the past with me. To work on improving my communication skills and being open about my feelings and thoughts when/if there was a problem or something I wasn’t happy about and to listen more.

Ahhh dwelling on heartbreak….this is where I’m stuck at now, somewhat. I get that things happen for a reason and people are brought into your life at certain times for a reason. I get it. But it doesn’t make it any easier when they choose to walk out of your life. I know I had to go through this recent relationship to prove to myself that I could move on, when I thought I never would. I guess that was his lesson to teach me at that time, that it was ok to move on, it was ok to be happy, it was ok to let someone into my little protective bubble I had around my son and I. The lesson I learned, maybe don’t let your guard down so fast!

I’m not really big on holding grudges, so I’m fairly good there. Failing to appreciate what I have, i think everyone can learn a little from that. I’m still bitter at the fact the I’m ‘forced’ to live 3,000 miles away from my family and most of my friends, that I failed to make the most of my favorite season…Fall. I didn’t get a true Fall season on the west coast where I grew up. I missed out on taking my favorite pictures of Fall foliage here on the east coast. Who knew leaves could be so freaking amazing and beautiful?

Excuses, do we all have them? Yes I need to work on this, mainly I need to stop making excuses and get my ass to the gym more! Insecurity fall into a lack of confidence for me. I think I’m a good person but I’m very hard on myself….I learned that in therapy! “Insecurity is something that holds people back more than anything else and it’s a damn shame because the person making you feel the most insecure is yourself.” So true! And last but not least, dealing with drama. I try not to but co-parenting has it’s moments and not getting along with someone doesn’t always make it easy, causing drama.

Overall, I think I’m on the right track. The right track to moving forward and the right track to finding contentment in the face of loneliness. Wish me luck on this continuing journey to learning more about myself.

 

 

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